my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
