So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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