Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
