At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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