YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
