We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All the doctor said was why
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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