I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
