On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
