you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
