Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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