hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
