he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
