I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
