there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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