my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
