Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
