My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
