Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
