I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
