Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
