This is not my ceiling
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
