Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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