I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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