i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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