I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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