Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
