I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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