Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
