Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
