can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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