somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
