what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
