why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
