you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
