sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Oh god it's open bar.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
