Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
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