This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
