theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
