I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize