I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
