Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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