Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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