I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
