She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
