I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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