apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
