the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My liver just broke up with me...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize