So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
