Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize