Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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