No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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