ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
