No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
