i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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