after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
