Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
