I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
