one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Only a mothe r could love this liver
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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