she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
