Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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