he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
