i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
