Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
