what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
